People Pleasing: The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

We want to see other people happy. We look for ways to be the source of happiness for others by offering our time, resources, and talents in order to fulfill what are many times only our perceived understandings of others’ needs. The big question becomes: at what and at whose expense are we making others happy?

Questions to ask ourselves:

1. Who are we pleasing?
2. Why are we pleasing this person/people?
3. What is our intention?
4. How will this affect us?

If your answers to questions #1 and #2 is someone who you have a relationship with where the foundation is grounded in love and mutual respect, you are simply motivated by love and the relationship itself (#3) and it doesn’t matter how it makes you feel because it is an unspoken obligation or commitment built into your relationship. In other words, nothing is at stake for you emotionally psychologically if you were put out or conversely, unable to fulfill the obligation. And the effect is simple, you’ve done so out of love and respect for the relationship, yourself and the other person(s) (#4).

Take a deep breath if you’re a people pleaser. If you have been stuck in this cycle for as long as you can remember and are still holding it together, it means you’ve adapted to it. It doesn’t mean it’s your only option, but it is certainly not something as simple as cutting Reese’s peanut butter cups from your afternoon snack routine (although, that’s not quite simple either).

And if you are unsure, you may be a people pleaser if you find yourself:

• Doing for others while abandoning our own needs or acting against our own value systems. Results: You feel resentful, tired and unappreciated.
• Saying yes when we want to say no. Results: You feel resentful towards other person and/or self and feel overwhelmed and/or you think about what you could’ve been doing on your lengthy to-do list.
• Agreeing with someone we disagree with. Results: Your voice is shut down and you haven’t spoken your truth, thus lying to yourself in the moment and you feel resentful.
• Engaging in unnecessary gossip to remain comfortable in a situation. Results: Feeling bad about yourself and like you owe amends to the person or persons you are engaging in gossip about.
• Rearranging your own needs to meet the expectations of others. Results: Feeling tired or overwhelmed and not paying attention to growth in areas of self-care or healthy interpersonal relationships, thus compromising your whole health. And yet again, you feel resentful.

False beliefs and fears that are rooted in these patterns:

• If you like me or I do for you, I am worthy
• If you like me or I do for you, I am accepted
• If you like me or I do for you, I am enough
• (Multiple other beliefs about self are falsely secured through patterns of people pleasing)
• Fear of rejection
• Fear of abandonment

The truth is you are always worthy, accepted and seen as enough by those who matter in your world, even if those people are trusted professionals working in the capacity of counseling or wellness.

Stay tuned for the next blog scheduled for 4/17/23 on contributing factors to people pleasing and small adjustments to behaviors that may benefit your whole health. Remember, this blog is not intended to treat or diagnose anyone and is based on conceptual case studies over time through the lens of a licensed professional clinical counselor.