Love Has No Boundaries....If You're Codependent
After reading articles touching on the topic of boundaries, it makes me want to deny that I have a difficult time with maintaining boundaries. Not always, but sometimes and sometimes always. And then I’d feel it only appropriate to admit that my years of experience as the client in the counseling office piqued my interest in the counseling profession. Because there seems to be a correlation between positive self-esteem and maintaining boundaries. Appropriately positive. And there seems to be a negative correlation between low self-esteem and having poor boundaries. Appropriately negative.
After walking into Ubuntu last Saturday, the cover on the issue of November’s Psychology Today “The Power of Boundaries” made me wince. I’ve been personally making strides on this front after having dealt uncomfortably well with a few very uncomfortable situations. Not perfect,but better than in the past. I can often find myself clinging to my childhood codependency patterns, and with a little help from helping professionals and experienced human supports, I’m turtoising my way to healthy boundary setting with only a few fears. 1. That I won’t be needed anymore and 2. That I won’t be loved anymore by someone/lots of people/my entire family. .I have a natural tendency however, as a helping professional, to want people to feel good. And I’ve learned that’s just being a decent human. But therein lies the issue of when ego wants me to take responsibility for the outcomes of another person’s situation regardless of whether my input was considered. My ego wants my efforts to be noticed. My ego wants that person to like me so I will often tell family or friends what they want to hear,
Sigh….
An article by Mark Manson (self-help author and clearly someone who doesn’t struggle with boundaries, at least anymore) portrays two absolutes traited by those who exhibit poor boundaries: 1. Those who take too much responsibility for the emotions/actions of others and 2. Those who expect others to take too much responsibility for their own emotions/actions. I’m here to tell you in 2019, I’ll happily support anyone stating that they are somewhere “on the spectrum” with boundaries. Not to mention, with change being the only constant in our lives: our circumstances can certainly posit months of good boundaries and days of poor boundaries OR relationships with healthy boundaries and relationships where the energies seem to require a Bunsen burner for any change to take place and a fire hydrant when the change agent ignites.
No one is going to argue that change isn’t uncomfortable. Ok, I’m not going to argue that change isn’t uncomfortable. Here’s a small exercise you can do to work on boundaries slowly (as i’ve had to do recently). You may have read this advice on Ubuntu’s facebook page or other social media site where self-help quotes and tips are bursting at the seams.
Say no when you want to say no. Just one time, say no to someone who you find it difficult to say no to. But the idea is to not offer much of an explanation.Then feel it. Notice where the discomfort rests in your body after setting a simple healthy boundary. Breath into it, write it down, draw it, and let it go.
At Ubuntu, we believe small strides make our journeys successful. I did take away an opening empowering quote from Mark Manson’s article (even though I still cringe at the thought of telling a friend or family member “no” when in need of something anyone can do other than me).
“...Setting strong personal boundaries are not a cure-all for your relationship woes (or your lost keys). In fact, they’re more of a side-effect of having a healthy self-esteem and a general low level of neediness with people around you.”
We are works in progress, please share your strides with us by commenting below!